Hope Conquers Fear- Remembering our Adoption Homecoming {Day 12}

Eight years and five days ago, we took off from Seattle, destination Guatemala. Eight years and four days ago, a baby with the biggest brown trusting eyes was placed in our arms. Eight years and three days ago, we stood at the Guatemalan Embassy, a final step of a long wait. Eight years and two days ago, we got an approval and a passport for an eight month old. Eight years and one day ago, we sat and stared at him in a hotel room, eager to get to know everything about him.  Eight years ago today, our plane touched back down in the US. Eight years ago today, one long journey complete, ready now to live out the gift of life we had been entrusted.

I’ve written about this. A lot. Every time I do, something new surfaces. Every time I do, it is my most read post, I think because it resonates with our human soul, knowing heartache, longing for hope. This year as I remember, I want to write from the angle of fear that we are exploring in this series. Of remembering the fear that surfaced while waiting. Of the ways God alieved them over and over again.

We had a long road to becoming parents. (I’ve put in links to our journey at the bottom) Several miscarriages and losses. An ultrasound at 9 weeks or at  5 months darkening the room with news of no heartbeat.  Adoptions that were ended after cribs were put together and baby showers thrown. When we began the process of adopting from Guatemala, I was hopeful. I was scared. I imagined bringing home our baby. I played out ways a child would be taken from us again.

I spent several moments waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Month after month was a battle for me. Hope rising, worry tempering. Month after month hope won. Hope won with each referral picture, each gazing into big brown eyes of this growing baby. Hope won with each Scripture that reminded me of truth and love. Hope won with fierce tears of friends who prayed and fought for our hearts. God’s word, community, prayer. Three ways fear is combated.

And now it has been eight years.

Eight years of being his mom. Eight years of laughter and tears and celebrations and heartache.

Lately he is figuring out his own fears and how to handle them.  The ways he feels different and wants to fit it. I read this recently in Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly:

“Belonging is an innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Fitting in and belonging are not the same thing. In fact fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are, it requires us to be who we are.”

I want so much for him to know he belongs. A deep sense of belonging from his family. An even deeper knowledge of belonging to God. I want fear to gain no ground through the desire to fit it, to be the same.  I want him to live a life of freedom and purpose. To be curious and to learn. To live fully into who he is created to be. No fear to cripple and silence. No fear that makes fitting in seem attractive.

Instead I pray that he is washed over with a deep in his soul recognition of being loved and cared for. That on this 8^th anniversary of his arrival that he knows he is known. Created in the image of God. Loved immensely by his parents and extended family. Prayed for and fought for by an amazing community of sojourners. I pray that when fears come, they don’t take root. That I have wisdom and compassion and discernment. And that together we attempt and we stumble and we cling to God as we figure out this life of no fear. This life we have been called to at great cost.

Sometimes we get so into the daily grind of this life, that I forget its miraculous beginning. I forget the heart stopping, breath taking moments. The fear and the hope that overshadowed it. The new mercies that we were shown every morning. The laments I cried out. And the baby,  this eight year old, entrusted to us.

Tonight we have a special dinner to mark and to celebrate and to remember. Eight years. Oh my heart. Slow down.

Here are some places I have written about our journey to becoming parents, in all its different aspects:

Going Home  post written on this date, 3 years ago. A sweet remembrance and pictures.

Leaves of Redemption  our journey of miscarriages.

Beauty in Heartache  written last year. My most favorite writing.

How Do I Look Like You  On adoption.

He Would Be Fourteen  Remembering our first child.

I am participating in Write 31 Days. Click right here to see all the amazing topics!  I am writing on 31 Beauty Full Days.  You can read the intro post here.  And you can also always click on the button on the sidebar to see all posts in the series.