“There is no heartbeat.”
There was last week. There is not this week. Again.
The ultrasound machine and words being spoken fade far from me. Again. We are alone in a room of uncomfortable faces. Alone with people who want so desperately to be giving us different news. Again. Doctors and nurses who have fought for us and hoped with us, broken that they don’t have answers for ‘unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss’.
If I shut their voices out, maybe the news will go away. Then this life that is still safe inside of me, will remain, will grow. We will show them they are wrong.
They must be wrong. We did everything right. Took new medicines and precautions. This is not suppose to be how the story goes. Again.
Our cycle of hope and grief and hope. Six times over. Again and again.
I have written often on our long journey to parenthood. Your story may be infertility. Or one miscarriage. Or ten. Our stories are different. But the deep longing of our souls speak the same language. I know that every time I write about it, so many voices join in. And I know I am not alone. We are not alone.
Here are a couple of the places I have written my heart, I would be honored if you read them:
- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (remembering our loss and the grief when I was at my 5th month of pregnancy)
- Season of No (a poem I wrote about 10 years ago)
I hold all of that in my hands as today I focus on beauty in heartache. So often we think the beauty comes only with the happy ending….but oh no, there is precious, death-defying beauty right in the messy middle.
So often I wished to hear someone share their testimony without the bow tied neatly. For someone right in the middle of their undone-ness to speak of the grief and the wrestling and the pain. Because I know now of the secret depth of beauty that comes from that middle place.
So often people say God is good, when an event has turned out favorable. “I had a car accident and wasn’t hurt God is good”. I suppose what they are really saying is Thank you God. And I understand that. I would too, of course. But when I hear the phrase God is good in those circumstances, it seems to imply that if the opposite had happened, he wouldn’t have been good. He is good because he spared me. No- God is good no matter the outcome. His goodness does not depend on circumstances.
He is good when you walk way without a scratch, he is good when you don’t. He is good when a baby makes it to term. He is good when we have the devastating news of death.
You have not done something to make God not be good to you. Hear that clearly. Goodness is inherent in his being.
Ah, but in the midst of heartache his goodness can feel so far away. In the middle of actions and news that are so very ‘not good’, it can feel impossible to see goodness.
“Beauty is God’s goodness made manifest to the senses.” (Dallas Willard)
When I think of that connection….that beauty is one way God’s goodness is revealed to us… all kinds of stories flood over me. These memories are where I see beauty in the trials and in the losses and in the heartache. This is how I know his goodness even in the middle of me wrestling with him, even with journals full of lament. He goodness sustains me and it shows up in the form of beauty that battles for my heart.
Here are some ways I sense beauty in heartache. Even when his goodness seemed far away, the beauty reminded me the goodness is indeed near.
Beauty…..in a soul that expands to hold more than it ever expected
Beauty….in compassion that is borne in the midst of suffering.
Beauty…in community that pours their hot tears of grief over you.
Beauty….of drinking from the deep well of grief that not everyone dares to taste.
Beauty….of a well-earned limp from the endless nights of wrestling.
Beauty….of tear stained cheeks that will not settle for nice sounding platitudes.
Beauty….that only emerges from a fight worth fighting
Beauty….that will no longer take the easy way, but will advocate for those lost and hurting and will not take less than speaking what is true and noble and right.
Seeing beauty in heartache is challenging in the midst of the trial, but with reflection it shines through the cracks. I would love to hear your stories of heartache and the places of you might find beauty.
Oh, this is a hard post for me to end. I am realizing it could be a whole 31 days on its own. Tomorrow I will write on Beauty in Redemption. In real life Redemption doesn’t always follow Heartache within 24 hours….but for our purposes it will. (This week of October, in 2007, we found ourselves in Guatemala, waiting to bring our son home. Writing these words, this week, is significant to me.)
Linking with Unforced Rhythms
I am participating in The Nester’s 31 Days of Series. Click right here to see all the amazing topics! I am writing on 31 Beauty Full Days. You can read the intro post here. And you can also always click on the button on the sidebar to see all posts in the series.
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Linking, for the first time, with Saturday Sharefest
Beautiful…every single word. ❤️
Thank you so much Beth….the ‘every single word’ part brought some tears.
You have so much honest, beautiful truth in this post. I went through a 15 year journey with miscarriage, stillbirth, and secondary infertility. I know how hard the road is and tired one becomes from the fight and grief associated with it. My first book just released in July. It’s entitled, Nothing to Hold but Hope. I’m not telling you that to promote myself, I’m just telling you because I understand the journey. I had five miscarriages, lost a daughter to a cord accident at 35 weeks, and suffered years of infertility in between. I’m praying for you. I don’t know if you are still trying or not, but I know it takes a long time for the ache to lessen. Keep fighting, sister!
PS: I found your post on the 31 days thread on facebook. I’m so glad I did!
Jennifer
I would love to read more of your story..and will head over to your blog. (and that doesn’t feel like promoting!)
Our first miscarriage was about 14 years ago, the most recent about 8 years ago….although we are no longer trying, the miscarriages, and the wrestling with God that came from that season, are some of the biggest shapers of my current faith. God got out of any box I had in him and became so much bigger and intimate.
Looking forward to getting to know you more.
“So often I wished to hear someone share their testimony without the bow tied neatly. For someone right in the middle of their undone-ness to speak of the grief and the wrestling and the pain.” Yes, I am with you! There IS so much beauty in that middle place, no matter what your journey has been, is, but we are often too afraid to share from that undone-ness. Thank you for pointing us to the One who is ALWAYS good…in the middle of the mess, no matter the outcome.
Oh Becky, thank you for your encouraging words and for being with me in it. When I post something like this I always feel such a wave of vulnerability. Grateful for your words!
“there is precious, death-defying beauty right in the messy middle.” Absolutely! When we go through the hard parts, we need to leverage it for God’s kingdom. That’s when we start to see healing and growth. Thank you so much for sharing your heart today!
HI Kristin, yes the hard parts come for us all.
Thank you for joining in with these words.
Melanie
We’re sorry there is no heartbeat. Again. There was last week. There isn’t thus week. Again.It was my 5th round of hearing that news. And I was alone in the exam room because my husband had been called out of town and we had decided not to drag everyone into our fear and heartache this time. But I had forged ahead with this appointment because I BELIEVED that this was the pregnancy that was going to beat our crappy odds. Because at the beginning of this pregnancy I had an amazing dream. To call it a dream seems to insignificant. It felt more like a vision of holding a baby, the weight and warmth and smell and fell of which was SO vivid it was breathtaking. So when I stood up from that exam table, I was not certain my wobbly legs would make it to the bathroom. I shut the door behind me, leaned against it and slid to the floor. I truly expected to fall apart as I never had before. I felt the pieces begin to crumble and drop and I knew they would have to call someone to scrape me off that bathroom tile. “Its ok.” It was so soft and so still and at the same moment so clear. It was God’s voice. I knew. I had never heard His voice before. Felt his presence in my life, sure. Known His guiding hand, definitely.
Oh Daphne, this is so beautifully written….and I have tears in my eyes reading it. Right there with you in that exam room, right beside you as you begin to crumble and drop. Wanting to read more….
Thank you for sharing this. Remembering your baby…your babies….alongside you.
Amazed at the hearing God’s voice, there with you in your aloneness.
Again, thank you, i’m grateful for you.
Melanie
Oops! Guess it posted once before I finished? Had to set it down for a minute to collect my thoughts. Its been awhile since of written about that particular loss. Finished post below. Sorry!
I thought you were just finishing the story since I said, I want to hear more 🙂
Thank you so so much for letting me in to your story, and to all that was going on in your heart.
There is no heartbeat. Again. There was last week. But not this week. Again. It was my 5th time hearing those words. And I was alone in the exam room because my husband had been called out of town and we had decided not to drag everyone into our fear and heartache this time. But I had forged ahead with this appointment because I BELIEVED that this was the pregnancy that was going to beat our crappy odds. Because at the beginning of this pregnancy I had a dream. To call it a dream seems too inconsequential. It seemed more like a vision in which I held a baby, the weight and warmth and smell and feel of which was SO vivid it was breathtaking. So when I stood up off that exam table and walked with shaky legs to the bathroom. I knew it was to fall apart in a way I had never allowed myself to before. I shut that bathroom door, leaned against it and slid to the floor. I felt the pieces cracking, crumbling. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they would have to call someone to scrape me off that tile.
“Its ok.” came a voice so soft and so still and yet so clear. It did not say , “Its ok, you’ll have a baby.” Or even, “Its ok, someday you’ll stop aching for these tiny souls.” It didn’t promise me anything. It just said, “Its ok.” Its ok, I’m here.
It was the first time I heard the voice of God. Felt His presence in my life, sure. Known His guiding hand, absolutely. But the voice. And at a time I was not even seeking Him. I was ok with falling apart alone in a hospital bathroom. Kinda felt it was my right, to be honest. But that still, quiet, clear voice picked me up, led me out. Told me its ok because I am your God and there is beauty in ALL I create. Even those tiny lives we have to say goodbye to before we even hold them. Its ok. To hurt, to grieve, to fear, to fight. Its ok because of His beauty.
see above 🙂
Wow, this is beautiful. Thank God for the beauty in the mess.
Melissa
So grateful for you to read….and again am thankful for your encouragement and connection with the 31 community!
Melanie..we have talked once before, I am in your MIL’s (in)courage group.
Your post today, finding beauty in heartache was inspirational….and courageous. Thank you.
Like you, I also have experienced that cycle of hope and grief and hope. Six times over. Again and again. I would get to 24-26 weeks and suddenly realise baby had stopped moving.
May I share what I eventually found out, because it helped me to have a healthy baby afterwards.
I had low-blood sugar as a young woman. After my 6th experience we moved to another city where I was referred to a Christian Gynaecologist. Mum sent me a book with some information saying that waking up every morning with a head-ache was a sign of low blood sugar. I mentioned this to my new specialist and wouldn’t you know it, but that same week he had read an article in a Medical Journal saying low blood sugar causes low birth weight and growth retardation in newborns..and he thought that was what was happening to mine, in the womb.
So, I began tripling my protein intake…meat sandwich before bead, lots of nuts and bean salads etc…and had a very healthy daughter.
I didn’t deal with the grief at all, as I now know my ex husband has Aspergers, and was emotionally unable to support me.
When I had lost 2 babes in 1 year, I got desperate and began fostering. I was given a prayer-partner, who has been my mentor and prayer partner for 35 years now.
After fostering some little ones I discovered I enjoyed teens more, and have had 39 live with me over 35 years. I am now retired from that, bu still work in a High School with teens all around.
God birthed a gran passion in me to love hurting teens and to minister to them to help them find their worth in Jesus, and find out what they were good at, and together we sought the Lord for direction for the lives of these young people.
You wanted a testimony.. without a bow at the end.I hope mine helps?
email me any time: gemmill.mary@gmail.com
I will pray for you….and if you”d like to keep in touch about this, or fostering, I’d like that because God commands us to help others with the help we ourselves have received, and it would be an honour if you would chose for me to support you through this very difficult and painful journey.
I am so glad you have a son from Guatemala.
I support another foster mother in prayer, as I know how powerfully good it is to have the support of others who have journeyed this way.
I salute your enormous courage in sharing this post…and your beauty in pain lines are just SO good.
May the Lord bring beauty out of YOUR heartache and pain, as he did for me.
with love,
Mary, New Zealand.
Hi Mary
Yes- Sue has mentioned you often and the connection. I just love that!
I didn’t know your story, thank you so much for sharing it. Knowing that I am not alone is so comforting.
Actually today we celebrate seven years since our official adoption of Samuel. Bob and Sue were with us that week in Guatemala.
We are currently (for the last 18 months) fostering a little girl with the intent of adopting. I can’t write or talk about her here due to privacy….but can’t wait for the day when I can. Adoption and fostering are both amazing journeys.
I pray that fostering will lead to adoption,,,,how wonderful 🙂
I have a spiritual daughter in Seattle fosters and adopts….she finds it goo to have an older foster Mum to share with because she gets no support from her church family and has no mother to talk to but you are blessed to have Sue…. .may this all work out beautifully for you.
God Bless you. Your posts frequently bless me 🙂
Thank you Melanie for sharing your Journey of heartache and healing. I am a Grandmother of five Grandchildren who live in Heaven! I look forward to the day they greet me with smiles and hugs. My only child, Renee, has lost all four of her pregnancies, the last were twins. All the pregnancies were tubal pregnancies, resulting in the loss of both tubes. I read a book entitled “The Shack” by Paul Young, after the last miscarriage. It is a Ficton Book about the Tragic Loss of his Precious Six Year Old Daughter and his own grief. He began to refer to his loss as his “Great Sadness”. I too, as I cried out to my Heavenly Father, started referring to our loss as My Great sadness. I have known and loved my God and His Son, Jesus Christ for almost 40 years and have trusted Him with all that I hold dear. Faith seemed to always come easy for me because I knew I was loved greatly by myHeavenly Father! This heartache began to haunt me and affect my faith. The last Ten Years have been a Journey of lost hope and healing!! Thank You God that there is Healing, spiritually, physically and mentally, as we rest in the Arms of Jesus! God DOES bring “BEAUTY OUT OF ASHES” as we Seek His Presence in our times of Tribulations. My heart goes out to all with empty arms …Thank you Father that we can find Abundant and life giving rest in Your Arms!!! I would ask all to please pray fory Daughter, Renee
Joyce
I look forward with you, to the day you meet all your grandchildren!!
And thank you for sharing how the loss and the grief impacted you…..I think it can indeed bring us to a place of knowing God in a different way. But sometimes first we have to go through the questions and the sadness and the heartache.
I will be praying for Renee…and you.
Love
Melanie
Oh… all your “Beauty….” statements resonate so deeply with me. “The deep well of grief that not everyone dares to taste” – that line moved me like I can’t even tell you. I’ve experienced quite a bit of loss, babies included… and I’m so thankful for these words today. For your story and His beauty woven through it. Thank you.
Thank you. For the reminder that beauty is still found in the hardest of places. For sharing your raw and real story. For linking at Unforced Rhythms.
I have not suffered your loss of babies not yet born. But I have found the beauty in the heartache of losing my daughter when she was 32. The beauty comes from God’s faithfulness in comfort, changing and growing me. The hole of losing Kim is as strong today, five years later, as it was. There is beauty in being able to empathize and help others. God’s goodness is His work in my life through the heartache.
I loved this post and all the stories that flowed out afterwards. God is so good to meet us in our deepest Need. We know this truth in our minds – but it’s so affirming to experience it again and again. I didn’t have miscarriages, but I did deal with infertility. We adopted from China twice and I know FOR SURE these 2 children are exactly what God planned for all of us…what a comfort and what JOY there is in knowing that He NEVER forgets us. No matter what! And that He delights in loving us in unexpected ways…
And on another note, I read once this quote that I have printed out and on my desk – I look at it every day. “That which is most personal is most universal.” I think your post here today shows that to be so very true. Thanks for sharing!