Reminders.

(I wrote the following in the summer of 2012. I am posting it again, well mainly because I need to re-read it and remind myself of these words. Appropriately it is 9:50pm. PS I believe I have gotten less wordy in the last 18 months!)

Can you go to bed at 10pm?

Out of context a simple question. In context a profound movement in my heart. For much has flowed from this question written in my journal last May.

Let me back up.

Rest. Reflecting. Relational. Descriptors of my natural bent. Action. Do. Tasks. Not the first words someone would select to describe me.

Last January I began participating in the bible study Living Beyond Ourselves by Beth Moore. Excitement and hope sprang forth as we delved into the fruit of the Spirit. Self control was the last one to study. The one I ‘needed’ the most. The one I honestly was afraid to approach. Afraid I would be the one person who would never lead a self-controlled life. At least not in some areas. Yes, I will be the first person in history in whom the Holy Spirit is not powerful enough to work in. Blasphemy!

A key turning point was soaking in the importance of dailiness. A daily surrender. A daily asking the Spirit to fill me. A daily recognition I can’t do this on my own.

The concluding weeks of the study fell at the same time as our church’s women’s retreat.  Of course the content of that weekend aligned perfectly with what God had been teaching and revealing to me. I couldn’t escape hearing his direction. On a Saturday afternoon of the retreat, I was writing in my journal. I found myself scribing familiar words. Confessing how I spend too much time with choices that don’t fill me up with the presence of my Father. Knowing that reading and journaling make my heart come alive, instead I choose the internet, food,  idols. Wanting to start my day with intention, instead I let our day happen to us.

And as I wrote, I cried out “God I know all of this. I know where I fall short. I can see what I want my days to be. I have written these very words hundreds of times. I have written all kinds of plans and goals for it to be different. But something breaks down between knowing this and the vision becoming reality. This is where I need you.”

Silence. A still quiet whisper. “Can you go to bed at 10pm?

Tears came down my face as I laughed. Yes, I’m a forty something adult. I can choose go to bed at 10pm.

There was something sweet that it wasn’t a “will you go to bed at 10?” Because I am known deeply by Him. He knows in my mind a “will you?” is equated with willpower and my deeply seated belief that I won’t have enough will to make it happen.

But rather a simple “can you?”. I don’t know if I can convey how differently that spoke to my heart. An easy “yes I can”. I have the ability. I am able.

Will I? I don’t know.

Can I? Yes.

It wasn’t a whole plan. It was one step. A beginning step. Follow this step. Don’t worry about what will be next.

The weekend’s interaction resonated with the study we were wrapping up.  “The key to self-control is the refusal to allow our enemies (the flesh, the world or Satan) to rule or hold us captive in any way.”- Beth Moore. In my circumstances, the ability to go to bed at 10pm was directly connected to the “ability to make choices which invite and enhance the authority and filling of the Holy Spirit.”

I had the luxury of returning home from the retreat to my in-laws being at our house for two weeks. How lovely of God to set this up when I had built in help. No problem if my husband had to go to work. They were there.

Sunday night I went to bed at 10pm. Tossed and turned and fell asleep around midnight. The first morning, Rob had a 6:30am men’s group. I got up with him. When he left, I promptly went back to sleep.

Fight off guilt. “Can I go to bed at 10pm?”

As the first week went by, I slowly found myself waking up around 6am.  Some days refreshed. Some days tired. I would read Scripture and journal. I would walk. Some days almost falling asleep reading or writing. Some days energized and awake from my walk. In the midst of this cycle, I found myself falling asleep more easily at 10pm. Tired from a full day. Sleeping deeply. Each morning asking God to let his spirit reign in me.  Each morning waking up not because I had to, but because I was rested and couldn’t wait to begin my day from his wellspring.

Soon a month went by. I had to admit the fruit of self-control was present in my life. Not because I was trying to be a self-controlled woman. But because I was following the Spirit. Daily. Nightly. One step at a time.

A morning routine that has brought life and clearness of mind. A mom who is ready to jump into and lead the day. Rather than letting the day sweep her away.

And do you know what else responding to this question has brought?

These very words you are reading. This blog. A step towards not only noticing God in everyday life, but also journeying with others in seeing his handprints in their life.

Years of journals speaking volumes of my love of writing. Boxes of them following us from house to house.

This past winter I began to sense an invitation to share the words God draws forth in me. As it kept being affirmed, I choose instead to listen to internal voices that said “You will start and never finish. You do not have the self-control.”

But my new routine answered differently. It gave me refreshing quiet times. It allowed me to have energy and renewed listening. It gave me ground to stand on. It gave birth to words that have been laboring inside me for a long time. Intertwined with a two month dance of “10pm bedtimes”, I hit the publish button.

I confess that this past week I started to listen to the old voices again. It has been a few days since I have written. I hear “See, you began this and now you probably won’t write again. You have lost your momentum.”

But instead this morning truth won out. It squelched those lies waiting to take root. I had just a few minutes of quiet time and do you know what reality is? It is summer. We just got back from vacation. School starts next week. It is ok. We are in transition. Routine will come again next week.

With the Spirit is the important part. Sometimes it’s running with the Spirit. Sometimes it’s walking. Sometimes it’s resting. It doesn’t matter the speed, as long as I am in step with Him.

And in those few minutes of quiet, I heard again “can you go to bed at 10?”

Yes.

“Then go write about it.”

And so I write this post. Aliveness seeping in with each keystroke. Conquering fears. Reminders of promises made. God’s amazing foresight. Writing these specific words reminds me of a life lived beyond myself. Writing these specific words breaks my perceived writers block. Writing these specific words is a slash at evil. Saying you will not win.

Amen.

And goodnight. It’s 10pm.

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