Reset (Alternatively titled “All I wanted was a shower!”)

Hi. I’m Melanie.

Thought since it has been a while, I should introduce myself.

I wrote the following about a month ago, but has taken me that long to post it.

Such is life right now.

We’ve lived in our new house for a month. When I hang pictures on the wall it feels like my home. Our walls are bare. It has been also been a month since I’ve last written. When I write I connect with God. My soul is bare.

A few friends have asked if I had posted recently and they missed it?  Even readers that I’ve never met have checked in. Last week my mother in law wrote and asked me if I had stopped blogging. A few days later my mom commented that I hadn’t written in a while. When your mother in law and mother speak, you sit up and take notice.

I could say it is because we are busy. And indeed this has been a season of transition.  Treasures taken from our life. Gifts being added to our life. Figuring out a new rhythm.

But when I’m still enough, I admit it is more than busyness that has created a lull in blogging. For me, blog post flow from journaling. Journaling flows from time with God. When I’m not posting, it typically means there is a clog upstream.

Writing brings life. Some activities drain. Some fill. Writing, basking in the presence of God, is a resource that keeps me sane when life is hectic.

When I don’t journal I add to the insanity.

I was ‘successful’ at keeping this truth at bay. At believing the lie I could keep going on my own steam. That if I pushed hard enough my strength could carry me through. I deny that I need a ‘reset’. I don’t see that I am not functioning at optimal settings.

Until today.

Clue number one I need a reset:

It is only 9am and I am feeling thin, frazzled. My plans for a quick shower are sidetracked by spilt juice, a barking dog and a light saber wielding, storm trooper masked boy.

When I have margin in my life, when I am armed with the remembrance of God, these everyday interruptions are quickly navigated. When I don’t, I find myself out of body looking at a crazy woman saying desperately to a wide eyed boy and confused dog, “All I ever wanted was to just take a shower!”

My first clue shows me how I react from a place of scarcity rather than love.

Clue number two I need a reset:

A couple of hours later we are loaded in the car, off to kindergarten. Oblivious to my surroundings I start to back out of the garage. I feel resistance. I wonder ‘what is that?” Try again, yes it’s still there. I get out of the car to see. I discover what it was. Get back in the car. Calmly. Maybe too calmly. The kind that says ‘denial’.

Samuel asks, “what was it mama?” I reply “It was the lawn mower. I broke off the wheel.” He exclaims “The new lawn mower??” Yes. The ‘new to us’ lawn mower. The one my husband brought home just last night.

My second clue shows me how I ignore warning indicators, wanting to push past resistance with my own effort.

Clue number three I need a reset:

I return home from kindergarten drop off, aware of needing God. Aware that I need to set aside my to do list and go straight to Him.

Except…I can’t find my bible. Anywhere.

I scour my mind as well as unpacked boxes and piles. I have to admit, the last time I remember having it was the women’s retreat. The retreat that was three weeks earlier.

Throughout my life, God’s alive word has been a lifeline. And I can’t find it.

My third clue reveals that I have been going other places for life. My sustenance has not been coming from the deep well, no wonder I am drying up.

Clue number four I need a reset:

Bible found. Settled into a favorite chair. Journal in hand. Chai made.

As I go to write in my journal, my hand freezes. I start to write April and then think, no it is May. Or is it June? I honestly do not know what month it is. The more I try to remember, the more unsure I become. I find my cell phone and it confirms it is May 15^th.

This clue might just reveal that I have a bad memory or need a vacation. But as I finally settle, it makes me laugh and so my conversation with God begins by me telling him I don’t know what month it is.

That is when the word Reset comes to mind. He invites me to pause, to reset. Scriptures float to the top of my thinking.

“Since then I have been raised with Christ, set my heart on things above.”

Reset my heart.

“Put off your old self to be made new in the attitude of my mind.”

Reset my mind.

“Create in me a pure heart O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

Reset my spirit.

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.”

Reset my body.

He refreshes. He renews. He is our water in a dry and weary land.

When we can’t take one more step. When little ones sleepless nights leave us exhausted. When a rut feels too deep or when changes are coming too fast. He is the lap of rest and restoration we crawl into.

He miraculously takes the fifteen minutes that I offer, and like fish and loaves he multiplies them. His word washes over me, to hidden places. He resets all that I am. He sends me back to where I am called.

Patience peeks out more. Life giving words flow more freely. Love laughs. And delayed showers don’t seem so bad.

How has life been for you the last couple of months?

Linking with Hear It on Sunday, Use it on Monday and The Better Mom

{top image credit}