Standing at the kitchen sink. Washing dishes. Each scrubbing a reminder of the gathering last night. Women talking, eating, looking at cooking catalogs. Gathered for a kitchen party.
And as I wash, my mind dances on the edge of a precipice. Don’t go there. You know what awaits in that land if you venture into it. Comparison.
If my thoughts go there I am convinced I should:
- be making extra income for our family by selling something
- have a larger living room
- love baking as much as I love cooking
- be better at small talk
- and on and on
A thief that enters my mind and attempts to push me over that cliff. That invites me not to live from abundance and with joy, but to notice all I am not. Comparison that brings deadness rather than an awakening.
But today as I wash dishes, God whispers “Do not mar this workmanship that I have created. Do not take away from your beauty with cosmetic surgery to make you someone else. I made YOU. I gave you a voice and gifts. Use those.”
Tears stream down my face, meeting the dish water. Tears because it is true. He has made my soul to connect with beauty. I like this woman he has made. I like the tender strokes he used when he shaped my soul. I like that he made my tear ducts to be indicators of when there is something to pay attention to.
I wash bowls that held warm soup. I laugh with God. Saying yes, you and I have gone through too much to shut away what I have bloomed into.
I count six bowls. With each one remembering a child I never got to hold.
With each goodbye, a part of me dying. A part of me being awakened. Awakened to fight for what is true and good and pure and lovely.
Awakened to not accept easy answers, but to wrestle with the One from whom life flows.
Awakened to embrace sorrow and joy, without compromise.
We have fought hard and we rest in grace. Don’t let it get hidden behind false ideas of who I should be.
When God stirs this in me, I am safe standing over my sink. I sing out to an empty house. Glancing at the clock. Still one hour until the bus comes.
I dry my pruned hands. Open my laptop. Start typing, the aliveness pouring out of me.
Over my sink and on my laptop, I am safe to be awakened.
My husband calls. Sharing his day. He hears in my voice that I have had sweet chats with my Father.
Over my sink, on my laptop and with my husband, I am safe to be awakened.
But I am still figuring out what it means to be awakened- with you. In person. When women gather at my house in social settings. When I have polite conversations at the bus stop. When you ask me at church “How are you?”.
I wonder what you would think if you experienced my emotions as intensely as I feel them? I wonder if we would be afraid of the force of me awakened? Of you awakened? Of the depth of our sorrows and our joys and our dreams? How would we respond if we saw the unique glory that God has placed in us?
When I’m awakened I speak in poetic prose that I don’t always understand.
When I’m awakened, the joy and hope in me can’t be held back.
When I’m awakened, I want to pull us out of this gray life to the full color my fingers see when they type.
When I try to be you, or her, or him, I whisper to my aliveness, quiet down a bit. You may not be welcomed.
But that is not true. It is a lie the world tells me. It is a lie that evil lets take root. Because truth knows you need me to be awakened. I need you to be awakened.
And we need that aliveness to be unashamedly different from another’s.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”- Howard Thurman, American Theologian, Clergy and Activist
I want to be awakened to not only my gifting and personality, but to celebrate that in other women. To say “I love how you are made”. I want to see you fully awakened, even when I don’t understand it. Even when it is something I desperately want to be myself. I will put that aside. I will let joy win over comparison. Joy for the beautiful soul awakened to it’s loveliness and purpose.
With dishes on my drying rack and a bus leaving the elementary school, I make this pledge. I will live more and more in an awakened state. I will ask you what makes you come alive. And I will not back down from the journey of you and I exploring those roads together.
What are you like when you awakened to yourself and the world around you? When you soul in all it’s honesty responds to your Creator?
Joining the synchroblog over at SheLoves/Magazine.com by writing a reflection on their September theme of Awake.
Linking today with WIP Wednesday / God Bumps and God Incidences / Unwrapping His Promise / Living Well Wednesday
Today I read Psalm 18 (the one you wrote about a while back – the spacious place). The second line of verse 19 says “he rescued me because he delighted in me”. That really took me by surprise. He delights in me. I see all the sins and shortcomings of my flesh. I keep thinking of all the things I should do and be; how I could be better if I just did X and Y. The truth is He delights in me! He delights in His creation. He does not make mistakes. Not only am I delightful, but I am delightful to the creator of the universe, the one who made such beauty in nature. Earlier in this same Psalm God is described in a fierce and terrifying way as He comes from heaven to rescue David from his enemies. I think of this fierce and magnificent God delighting in me. It’s not about an ego boost. It’s about seeing the majesty and beauty of God’s love and His truth. It’s humbling in a warm, fuzzy, and *safe* way. It frees me to surrender to Him.
Thank you Melanie for helping me think this through. At the time, I knew it was important but I didn’t fully connect. Now it makes sense.
Alex- Thanks for sharing that connection. I think it is so fun when we link things like that. May you continue to know how much the all powerful God delights in you!!
Thanks for these challenging words.
On this dreary day, I am not sure I can verbalize what makes me come alive. Sad but true. I can say it, but today I don’t feel it.
Thanks, Mel!!
Beth- Part of why I write is to remind me of truth when I’m not feeling it.
I love seeing you alive- your words show your passion.
I’m grateful our lives are intersecting right now!
“I laugh with God. Saying yes, you and I have gone through too much to shut away what I have been bloomed into.”
Words stealing my breath for a moment then glancing over them again to make sure I had it right in my mind. So beautiful. This post so beautiful, you so beautiful.
Thank you for sharing. I linked up too with my Awakened story, but wow I pray this one is featured on Saturday. I know this isn’t your reason for posting, but it truly is that beautiful. Thank you….
Jennifer- I had to take some time to take in your words. They mean a lot to me. And I have now read your post- the raw, beauty of your awakening. Glad to meet you!
This makes me want to think about being alive and awake:)) I think I am both in the life I lead. People say “you always have a smile on your face”, but that’s not really true. I do right now because I am thinking about it all:)) But somethime”s not, but then, not for long. I feel I find so much joy in my life, my family, my friends and in what I like to do. It all makes me happy and I suppose that puts a smile on my face:)) I see God all around me and love being surrounded by Him. As I said to a neice earlier (she has a young friend dying of cancer) “we can plan our lives all we want but we are not the one who is in control, there is a higher power for that” and we need to learn to live within that circle. I have a son doing an Afghanistan tour in this dangerous time, I can only pray and hope for the best. I can not let it get me down, I am alive and many are not so I feel blessed in that alone:)
Val- Thank you for commenting and for sharing your aliveness. As I was reading, for going to the same church we sure don’t run into each other, I’d like to!
I love you awake. I know this fight well…”Awakened to fight for what is true and good and pure and lovely.”
And this….”When I try to be you, or her, or him, I whisper to my aliveness, quiet down a bit.” It is so true. Freedom is truly walking in who God created us to be.
This is just beautiful… gracefully beautiful.
Michele- Thank you! And thanks for your fight of what is good and true. I am praying as you leave for Guatemala, can’t wait to hear about it.
Oh how I loved this post! I’ve had many of sacred moments at my kitchen sink since we gave up our dishwasher a year ago…Oh the holy that can be found amongst the dirty suds…
so proud of you for being exactly what He had in mind…
Nikki- yes, sacred moments at the kitchen sink! God meets us where we are living our life.
Thank you for stopping by!
A beautiful post, and beautiful blog. I think this is my first visit, but I will return. Have a blessed day!
I meant to say I followed your link from Getting Down With Jesus, but got so into your post, I forgot that. My blog is http://livingreal-blog.com/, please visit me sometime.
Thank you Betty Jo! I’m so glad you stopped by! I’m going to head over now to read your blog!
I love YOU. Awakened YOU!
Kristi- Thank you, thank you friend! I’m grateful for how you welcome my awakened-ness. And I’m thankful that I get to journey with you to figuring out what it looks like to bring this into friendships. XO
“Awakened” you draws people in like a magnet-I’m speaking for myself here at least! Jesus is who is awakening you, and therefore people seek Him through your awaken-ess. Don’t ever supress that!!!
Dear Melanie
I feel an uneasy stirring deep inside where I usually hide the things I don’t want to confront head on within myself. Your vulnerability and raw honesty made me aware of a little girl hiding inside myself, desperately wanting to be awakened, but terrified of all the hurt waiting to be dealt with before she can fully be just herself. I am so grateful for our Father who gently leads and heals her only as she is able to bear, little by little, into the fullness of whom He made her to be. Thank you!
Blessings
Mia- I understand that. Praying along with you for the gentle leading of your Father as you live more and more in the fullness that he has made you to be. 🙂
So so beautiful.
Thank you! I have loved reading all the Awakenings at SheLovesMag.
What a beautful outpouring of joy! When I am awake to my surroundings, I am afraid of what I feel He’s asking of me. It’s unfamiliar, different and I’m not sure I like it. It’s not up to me, though, as I’m surrendered to what He has for me. I open my hands and wait for Him to fill them…
Allison- Thank you so much. It is hard to allow to be awakened. I love the image of the open hands waiting…
Thank you for stopping by!
This was absolutely beautiful. I was hopping over here from Serving Joyfully and was completely drawn into your post. As a woman I understand the temptation to compare. I am so sorry for the pain you convey in your post that you have experienced. May God bless you abundantly!
Lindsey Thank you for your encouragement. I’m looking forward to the Serving Joyfully link up! And tonight am gong to go do some reading. Blessings to you as well.
Wow! This is beautiful! I want to be awakened too. Thank you for writing this it’s exactly the thing to perk me up today. 🙂
Danielle Thank you for your words. I’m glad they were an encouragement to you today. I’m figuring out how to stay awakened 🙂
Beautiful post! Thanks for sharing at Thriving Thursday. I think the comparison thief is something we all have to watch out for.
Crystal- Thank you! I’m excited you started the link up! Was just thinking I need to go back into my post to show it. Looking forward to meeting you at Allume.
Have you watched The Snoodle’s Tale? It’s an old Veggie Tales. Sometimes I watch it because it reminds me of just exactly what you wrote. Thank you for your openness and the challenge to live Awakened. (We’re headed to our college homecoming as I read this. An apt word for an event that will be full of invitations to compare. )
Emily- I’ve seen lots of Veggie Tales, but I may have to look up this one! Thank you for your encouragement. May your college homecoming be full of joy and comparison free 🙂