Can you go to bed at 10pm?
Out of context a simple question. In context a profound movement in my heart. For much has flowed from this question written in my journal last May.
Let me back up.
Rest. Reflecting. Relational. Descriptors of my natural bent. Action. Do. Tasks. Not the first words someone would select to describe me.
Last January I began participating in the bible study Living Beyond Ourselves by Beth Moore. Excitement and hope sprang forth as we delved into the fruit of the Spirit. Self control was the last one to study. The one I ‘needed’ the most. The one I honestly was afraid to approach. Afraid I would be the one person who would never lead a self controlled life. At least not in some areas. Yes, I will be the first person in history that the Holy Spirit is not powerful enough to work in. Blasphemy!
A key turning point was soaking in the importance of dailiness. A daily surrender. A daily asking the Spirit to fill me. A daily recognition I can’t do this on my own.
The concluding weeks of the study fell at the same time as our church’s women’s retreat. Of course the content of that weekend aligned perfectly with what God had been teaching and revealing to me. I couldn’t escape hearing his direction. On a Saturday afternoon of the retreat, I was writing in my journal. I found myself scribing familiar words. Confessing how I spend too much time with choices that don’t fill me up with the presence of my Father. Knowing that reading and journaling make my heart come alive, instead I choose the internet, food, idols. Wanting to start my day with intention, instead I let our day happen to us. And as I wrote, I cried out “God I know all of this. I know where I fall short. I can see what I want my days to be. I have written these very words hundreds of times. I have written all kinds of plans and goals for it to be different. But something breaks down between knowing this and the vision becoming reality. This is where I need you.”
Silence. A still quiet whisper. “Can you go to bed at 10pm?
Tears came down my face as I laughed. Yes, I’m a forty something adult. I can choose go to bed at 10pm.
There was something sweet that it wasn’t a “will you go to bed at 10?” Because I am known deeply by Him. He knows in my mind a “will you?” is equated with willpower and my deeply seated belief that I won’t have enough will to make it happen.
But rather a simple “can you?”. I don’t know if I can convey how differently that spoke to my heart. An easy “yes I can”. I have the ability. I am able.
Will I? I don’t know. Can I? Yes.
It wasn’t a whole plan. It was one step. A beginning step. Follow this step. Don’t worry about what will be next.
The weekend’s interaction resonated with the study we were wrapping up. “The key to self control is the refusal to allow our enemies (the flesh, the world or Satan) to rule or hold us captive in any way.”- Beth Moore. In my circumstances, the ability to go to bed at 10pm was directly connected to the “ability to make choices which invite and enhance the authority and filling of the Holy Spirit.”
I had the luxury of returning home from the retreat to my in laws being at our house for two weeks. How lovely of God to set this up when I had built in help. No problem if my husband had to go to work. They were there.
Sunday night I went to bed at 10pm. Tossed and turned and fell asleep around midnight. The first morning, Rob had a 6:30am men’s group. I got up with him. When he left, I promptly went back to sleep.
Fight off guilt. “Can I go to bed at 10pm?”
As the first week went by, I slowly found myself waking up around 6am. Some days refreshed. Some days tired. I would read Scripture and journal. I would walk. Some days almost falling asleep reading or writing. Some days energized and awake from my walk. In the midst of this cycle, I found myself falling asleep more easily at 10pm. Tired from a full day. Sleeping deeply. Each morning asking God to let his spirit reign in me. Each morning waking up not because I had to, but because I was rested and couldn’t wait to begin my day from his wellspring.
Soon a month went by. I had to admit the fruit of self control was present in my life. Not because I was trying to be a self controlled woman. But because I was following the Spirit. Daily. Nightly. One step at a time.
A morning routine that has brought life and clearness of mind. A mom who is ready to jump into and lead the day. Rather than letting the day sweep her away.
And do you know what else responding to this question has brought?
These very words you are reading. This blog. A step towards not only noticing God in everyday life, but also journeying with others in seeing his handprints in their life.
Years of journals speaking volumes of my love of writing. Boxes of them following us from house to house.
This past winter I began to sense an invitation to share the words God draws forth in me. As it kept being affirmed, I choose instead to listen to internal voices that said “You will start and never finish. You do not have the self control.”
But my new routine answered differently. It gave me refreshing quiet times. It allowed me to have energy and renewed listening. It gave me ground to stand on. It gave birth to words that have been laboring inside me for a long time. Intertwined with a two month dance of “10pm bedtimes”, I hit the publish button.
I confess that this past week I started to listen to the old voices again. It has been a few days since I have written. I hear “See, you began this and now you probably won’t write again. You have lost your momentum.”
But instead this morning truth won out. It squelched those lies waiting to take root. I had just a few minutes of quiet time and do you know what reality is? It is summer. We just got back from vacation. School starts next week. It is ok. We are in transition. Routine will come again next week.
With the Spirit is the important part. Sometimes it’s running with the Spirit. Sometimes it’s walking. Sometimes it’s resting. It doesn’t matter the speed, as long as I am in step with Him.
And in those few minutes of quiet, I heard again “can you go to bed at 10?”
Yes.
“Then go write about it.”
And so I write this post. Aliveness seeping in with each keystroke. Conquering fears. Reminders of promises made. God’s amazing foresight. Writing these specific words reminds me of a life lived beyond myself. Writing these specific words breaks my perceived writers block. Writing these specific words is a slash at evil. Saying you will not win.
Amen.
And goodnight. It’s 10pm.
If you are interested in the Beth Moore Study- check it out here
Linking up with:
I am trying a new routine as well. I don’t always get to sleep at 10, but I’m trying! 🙂
Hi Jenni! I was just over commenting on your post. Someday God may change it to “can you go to bed at midnight.” It is fun to see what he has in store with new routines 🙂
Love this Melanie! My “tired” body longs for 10:00 and I don’t always make it…but your post has given me a firm resolve to quite “doing” and add more “being”.
Thank you for commenting Mindy! I’m not so good with firm resolve, but am grateful for grace to “be” verses “do”- good words to remember, thank you.
Melanie, any words I have would be inadequate. This is both beautiful and extremely encouraging. I believe the Lord is speaking to me today about fear, as I have read 4 posts? today on fear!! You use your gifts and your promptings by the Spirit in a lovely, life-affirming way. Go girl!!
Elizabeth- your words are so encouraging! Especially after hitting that publish button and then questioning my words. I appreciate you sharing how they impacted you.
I’m enjoying reading your blog and am glad to have connected with you!
hi melanie, what i love about this post is when you point out that god knows you, and that self-control is more about freedom toward than restriction from. how do we so readily mix the 2 up? i totally relate to the guilt you describe feeling when something slips or doesn’t get started, the stop sign i put in front of my very dreams. essentially, the fear that i operate in at times, the giving in to fatalistic resignation. the acceptance that this is as good as it gets, even though somewhere deep in my heart i don’t believe that to be the truth….i allow the picture to be bigger for others than i do for myself. the gentleness of god that you describe prompts me to tears rather than self-berating, to hope. god doesn’t seem to feel the need to wield control in my soul, only to foster life. thank you so much for sharing your words. i needed them today. xo,m
Oh Mindy. Reading your response sure makes me wish we weren’t on opposite coasts. Thank you for hearing my heart. When you said “the stop sign i put in front of my very dreams”, I thought yes- that is it.
Back in June when I was beginning to walk, I started worrying how I would maintain the routine once fall came. Essentially stopping it before it had started. Always a struggle to yearn for the “more” without letting it become about the striving.
XO
Mindy, you said it so well too. Yes, there is so much fear in change, even if we know it’s change for the better. I need to ask the Spirit to peel that stop sign away from my face so I can see my God. The fear and resignation are frustrating. This reminds me of an earlier post about God setting our feet in a spacious place. My space feels so small and my hope feels stifled when I stand with my face 2 inches from the giant stop sign. I need to keep praying that God would deliver me from the trap set for me and set my feet in that spacious place of the freedom only He can give (themes from Psalm 31).
It gives me hope when I see wise Christian women wrestling with these issues (= I’m not defective) and overcoming the schemes and lies of Satan. Thank you all for showing me the light.
Alex, I think you need to start blogging too!
I think knowing we aren’t alone brings much rest and hope.
PS Mindy is a beautiful writer, a friend from Seattle. Go look here: http://asplashofwarmwater.blogspot.com/
Melanie, THANK you. this brings tears to my eyes and a salve to my heart.
Thank you Cheryl for your kind words and sharing your response!
You made me laugh out loud with the “I will be the only person in history that the holy spirit isn’t powerful enough to work in.” I also needed the reminder that I am also not too much for the Holy Spirit to handle. Seriously! I guess that’s what happens when we focus on ourselves (our problems, our wishes, our sinfulness) instead of focusing on our all powerful Father and Creator. I too need to go to bed earlier. God has showed me so. I haven’t been successful yet. You give me hope by speaking the truth about the Spirit’s power and about the deep caring of our God.
Alex- Your words always bless me! Glad you liked that line- it hit me as I was writing. Ironic saying I don’t have self control, but some sort of perceived control to think the Holy Spirit can’t work 🙂
Going to bed earlier is hard when it often seems like the best time to get things done.
Let me know how it goes!
I would be okay at the ging to be at 10, but the waking up at 6…? Yikes!
Awesome to see how God is at work in your life. Much love x
I try not to think about it being 6am. I’ve always thought I can’t wait for teenage years when they sleep in.
But alas, in this season this is what God is doing.
Thank you for your words friend 🙂
Wow, I really really needed to read this post today. to say I’m lacking in self-control would be an understatement!! I’m currently going through the beth moore James study, but it sounds like I need to do this one next! Thank you for sharing your heart and struggles so beautifully! Thanks for stopping by my blog too 🙂
Amber- Thanks for coming over! I think we all have areas that are harder for self control- you are a runner…something I could never imagine doing!
So grateful to have connected with you 🙂
Found your blog through the Life Unmasked link up at Joy in this Journey! Your insights are so great. You have such a calming energy in the way you write. Nice to “meet” you! 🙂
http://www.allthingsbeautifulblog.com
Alyssa- Thank you for stopping by! What wonderful words to receive “a calming energy”. Especially on days I’m not feeling it!
I am trying to go to bed between 10 and 11 so that I can be up at 5:30 for quiet time with God. It’s only been a week and it has been so refreshing.
Thank you for sharing! So encouraging that it has been refreshing. Let me know how it goes!
This was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you
Thank you Heidi. I’d love to hear more 🙂
You are so convicting me right now…as I look at 10:20, knowing well that I was to be on my way at 10. Thank you for the reminder to trust God and live with the priorities He has already whispered in my heart!
Lisa- Funny, at the time you were commenting on this, my husband was asking me why I wasn’t in bed yet (having just read this post). I replied something to the fact that i don’t think God meant on weekends.
Glad we remind and support and encourage each other.
Thank you for stopping by!
You’re living in victory, girlfriend. I can hear freedom ringing between those words. So grateful for your words here. Thank you. Thank you.
Thanks for the encouragement Jennifer!
Hi Melanie, I’m visiting from Allume! I understand this struggle all too well 🙂 The getting to bed early, the consistent writing…but like you said, “Sometimes it’s running with the Spirit. Sometimes it’s walking. Sometimes it’s resting. It doesn’t matter the speed, as long as I am in step with Him.” That is what I must keep in mind as I set out to follow Him! My expectations can sometimes be more burdensome than what God desires from me…He’s so full of grace. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Jacqui- Thank you for stopping by! And for your encouragement.