Today’s mail brought news I’ve been waiting for all summer. Our son will be in….afternoon kindergarten. After initial excitement to know the plan, sadness swept in. The kind of emotion where you are aware that something is off but can’t put your finger on it.
At first I thought, this ‘off-ness’ is because I’m a planner. In my head (and well yes, in a spreadsheet too) I had worked out our schedule with school beginning at 9am. And our day flowed from there.
Mulling it over. Nope, that’s not it.
Next stone to uncover- my husbands day off. As a pastor his day off is Thursday. Those have traditionally been our family fun day. I had thought with morning kindergarten, after school is done at noon we will still have time for adventures. There is loss there. But our family is flexible.
We can make that work.
Next came big questions. Maybe I should home-school. It has always been at the fringe of my thinking. Sometimes making movement to the center. We have discussed and prayed and felt comfortable with kindergarten this fall, but here came the pondering again. What are my motives for not wanting to home-school? Are they selfish? What are my motives for wanting to home-school? Are they fear based?
While that is a process for us to keep engaging, in this moment I knew it wasn’t the “it” I was searching for. There was something welling up in me, close to bursting.
Then words from my husband that rang true. ” This is bigger than afternoon or morning kindergarten.” Yes it is. What was rumbling around in me, in us, was grieving. This is me grieving that my son is old enough to go to kindergarten. And grieving for the time I won’t get back. Have I done enough? Have I prepared him? What will this do to his spirit? Will anyone see him with the eyes I see him through?
I can picture clearly this eight month old baby wrapped in love that we carried on a plane from Guatemala to Seattle. With so much hope. With years of dreaming for that moment. So much work, so many tears leading to him becoming our son. Now I wonder have I done well with these years? Have I worked as hard since he has been my son as I did for him to come to us? Will my parenting strengths be enough to support him? Will my failures be unconquerable obstacles?
Last week I was catching up with a friend whose girls are high school aged. As she faces thoughts of college we realized our similar emotions. Different stages. Different magnitude. Same moments of letting go. Same challenges in trusting.
And today as I was trying to hold at bay the deep well of emotions rising, a thought came. These are the moments that life is made of. Right now. Don’t back down from them. Daily facing the things that bug us. The things that challenge us. The things that worry us. Right now in the midst of a little thing that feels anything but little. Right now will I bring God into the conversation.
Will I let him be a Father to me so that I can be a mother to my son?
And when I get still enough to not be afraid of my thoughts, this is how my heart responds.
He sees me.
He tenderly smiles knowing my mothers heart.
He is trustworthy. He will guide me. He will protect Samuel.
And my anxiety decreases.
I have freedom to grieve the passing of time that kindergarten marks. And I can celebrate the milestone with joy. And in both emotions have confidence. Confidence that we are not alone.
I don’t need to know the whole path ahead. But I need to stay connected with the One who does.
Remind me of this on August 27th.
“see how the lilies of the field grow? they do not labor or spin.”
Matthew 6:2
Participating for the first time with Women Living Well. Check it out here!
And also with WIP on New Life Steward. Take a look here!
I love how much you can feel in one moment. I want you to know that I see you too and promise to live these “moments” right along with you.
Thank you sweetie. You always give me room to know my heart. I can hear myself as you read the letter to me over the phone….”that’s wonderful” followed by holding back tears. Come pick us up at the airport in ten hours- can’t wait to see you!
Oh, I remember my son’s first day of Kindergarten (he’s beginning 4th grade tomorrow). There were many emotions ~ joy at this right of passage, sadness because this meant he was out of the house everyday, all day. I specifically recall thanking the Lord as we walked into the school for allowing me to be at home/work from home his entire first 5 years. That was a huge blessing!!
God is faithful! I’m confident his hand will comfort you and protect Samuel He is trustworthy! He is good!
Thank you once again Stefanie. Your words are so encouraging. He is good!
Enjoy 4th grade!!
Hi Melanie! Your post today resonates with this mom. It seems like yesterday we were going through all those emotions. I hope you’ll find joy in knowing you are blessed with of another year of snuggly, pajama mornings with Samuel. 🙂
Oh Kathy, thank you! I know you have put a lot of thought into all of this. I like the idea of slow mornings with Samuel.
So well put, Melanie! Our school has 4K, so it started earlier for me. It was difficult for me to watch Emma as she walked from the car to the playground in the morning. As I drove from school to home, I felt like I was missing something, like I had left something behind.
Emma’s kindergarten teacher read a letter at the beginning of school 2 years ago that brought me to tears. It talked about the fact that, as parents, we entrust our children to strangers when we send them to school, and how teachers have a big responsibility because parents trust them to teach and take care of their children. So true!
Emma is already talking about when she goes to college how she will come home and have a sleepover with me….and I tell her “you better!”. :o)
Kathy
I like that I can picture Emma and Ella now when you talk about them! We do entrust a lot to teachers…and there are such wonderful ones that invest a lot in our kids.
Don’t get me thinking about college….:)
Wow! This post makes me choke up thinking about sending Gabby to school in 4 years! So hard! With Kylie it was so different…we landed in Colorado on Sunday, I was back to work the next day and a week later Dave took her to her first day school! It’s like we never skipped a beat! We wanted her home the first year but they said legally she had to go. So off she went! I never had that time home with her. With Gabby…I can already see how hard that first day of school will be!!! Oh I don’t even think I’ll be able to send her! Especially after being home with her!! This summer home with both girls has been great and now were sending Kylie to 2nd grade and after spending the summer with her…it will be so hard not having her around each day! Anyway all this to say I can’t imagine how you will feel on the 27th! I will keep you in my prayers as I’m walking home from dropping Ky off on her first day of second grade at ANOTHER new school (this starts her 4th year of school since coming home, and her third school)!
Ps. And you know Gabby is only 18 months!
Andrea- thank you for commenting!! Praying you will enjoy the moments until Gabby goes to school…and for Kylie in her new school year. You are a great mom.
(Coming to you via Mary-Beth’s WIP Weds – http://tanyamarlow.com )
You articulate that feeling so well! It really IS a grieving. I wonder if that’s what parenting is, a constant letting go. My boy is a toddler and this is all ahead of us, but already I am dreading it, and not wanting to entrust him to others – a strange adult and a bunch of uncivilised kids. It is hard to trust in God for him, when I don’t really trust others!
Feeling this with you. Much love.
P.S. I’m also married to a pastor! We’re in the UK, and my husband is a vicar in the church of England. Great to connect with you!
Tanya
Thank you so much for commenting. It always seemed to be such a cliche- ‘giving my child roots and wings’. Now five years into the journey I’m seeing how much that is part of the process! And letting go is hard work.
I believe I read your blog a couple of weeks ago through five minute friday. I remember being struck by your title and the words suffering and messy edges. So much of the Christian life is formed in those places and love that you write about it.
Great to connect with you!
Kudos to you for digging deep and figuring out what the real issue was and dealing with it. So often we rush through our feelings and gloss them over only to be shocked when they come back with vengeance later. Sounds like you are a wonderful mother. Samuel is blessed.
Thanks for linking up with WIP Wednesday!
Mary Beth- Thank you! In the past I had always wished I was a quicker processer/talker. But only recently have embraced that noticing and feeling moments is a wonderful part of how I’m made- not one to discard 🙂
Excited to link up with your WIP Wednesday for the first time!
So glad that you linked up!!
Kindergarten is hard on us big people. It is where the rubber meets the road. My first kid in kindergarten was so hard on both of us–ended up bringing him home, the 2nd was hard but now she is home, the 3rd one went but not she will be home, now on number 4 we are–as my mother would say “fish or cut bait!” so we have decided that he won’t even go to school. That is what works for us–you know in your heart. Kids are such a blessing and at the same time throw us for a loop. I think that God give us the perfect children for us and for them–we just need to work out the details.
Renee
Thank you for stopping by. I haven’t been blogging for long…and have been amazed by the link ups and the community. Thank you for your perspective after 4 kids! It encourages me.
I am a different stage in my life as my oldest graduated 3 years ago and my middle last year. It has been a rough time of transition more me more than them I believe. It is hard to let go more and more.
Know that I know how you feel and I am praying for you.
Hi Sherri! Thank you for stopping by. I can only imagine as the letting go increasees. Grateful that God keeps us close to Him. Thank you for your perspective!
Precious. Kindergarten is so hard. It is the beginning of their lives, they are children not babies. Praying God gives you strength for the days ahead. Think of all the art work and reading that lies ahead, that is joyous to behold and hear! We’re neighbors at Pieces of Amy! Blessings from simplyhelpinghim.com
Thanks for stopping by Misty. I am looking forward to the reading:)
Happy Friday!